Hey there friends! I wanted to start off this post by saying, NO I am not pregnant (that’s kinda the point of the post). Sometimes people can see what they want to see and miss the big old word NOT in my title lol. So, just so we have that covered....NOT pregnant.
I wanted to take the time to get real personal with ya’ll for a minute. And before I get into that, I want to talk with ya’ll about my personality. You know that one thing that you don’t really realize about yourself until everyone around you starts pointing it out? Throughout the past year that one thing people kept repeating to me was, “I know you’re a private person, but I’m here if you need me.”
It took me a minute to step back and say, hey, am I really that private of a person? I think I kinda always knew that I didn’t share well with people, but when I truly thought about it, well yeah...I keep a lot to myself. And as much as I have wanted to stay authentic in my blogs and when I post on social media, there probably has been a layer of holding back that has left me unable to really open up.
Last week we had a prayer night at church and one of my favorite people turned to pray with me during the service. And she just laid me out with a powerful word from God. She not only knew exactly what we were struggling with, she gave me amazing encouragement about sharing my story with others and bringing people along on the journey.
So, with all that out there, I want to take a minute to be really vulnerable with ya’ll and let you in on the journey that my husband and I have been going on for a while now. And I’m going to be totally honest, this is something I haven’t even really shared with my closest people.
This week will officially mark one year of Josh and I trying to have a baby. (I would say starting a family, but I fully believe that we already are a family, so just adding to that family.) And here we are, a full year later, and no closer to that addition blessing our lives yet.
Now let me start by saying this...I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. I mean there is definitely an air of disappointment but not a devastation. I know I’ve read a bunch of mommy bloggers who are sadly struggling through the same issue whose hearts are broken over the fact that they aren’t pregnant. I want to be real with ya’ll, my heart is not broken. It’s a bit sappy, but definitely not broken.
I’ve never been the person who was super excited to have kids. Although, as I’ve been getting older there is a part of me that wants to add to the family. Josh and I are active people who love to travel and head out on fun adventures and I’ve always been afraid that kids would really alter that lifestyle. What I’ve learned, however, is that kids are seriously adaptable and sometimes we just don’t give them enough credit. If I want my child to travel around and be adventurous, then they’ll learn to love traveling and exploring new places.
What I’m really saying is, that whole mindset that your world kinda stops when you have kids is not something I’m choosing to give power to. So the idea of adding another little adventurer to our mix has been getting more and more exciting over the past several months.
So yeah, trying to figure out how I feel about it, I think I’d say I’m definitely a little bummed at this point. And I think it’s safe to say that my husband would probably agree with that notion as well.
I know this is the moment where so many thoughts could be swirling through your head. And if you’re going through this situation yourself please know that I understand all of the thoughts and I’m absolutely here praying through it all with you. You are not alone!
But I want to make it perfectly clear that even in this season of somewhat disappointment, I am still 100 percent confident in God’s timing. I absolutely love this one verse in Jeremiah that our pastor read to us just this past weekend in church,
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11
I absolutely love how the Message bible translates this same passage:
“I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.”
I know what I’m doing. (That’s God there, by the way, saying that.) He knows what He is doing. There is so much of this life that I can’t see. So much of my calling or Josh’s calling that will be forever altered by us adding a third little human to our mix. And I for one, don’t want to mess up God’s plans because He knows what He is doing. He’s been cultivating this life long adventure with us since day one. His plans are always better then my own.
I remember when I was living overseas in Uganda for a little while and I wanted to stay a bit longer then I had originally planned. I was chatting with God one night and told Him the plan that I wanted to stay and He told me no. He told me to go back home. But me in my infinite wisdom was like, that’s nice....but I’m gonna stay.
I extended my plane ticket and made the proper living arrangements to make my new plan happen. Just a few short days later I got a phone call from my family back home that my grandma was really sick. I truly thought that everything would still be ok and that I would just see her once I returned home. Unfortunately, she passed the day, almost to the hour, that my plane touched US soil again. I lost those last moments with her.
I didn’t know. I didn’t know that she only had a few short weeks left. Her getting sick was definitely not a part of my plan. But God knew. He knew what was coming. And He so sweetly tried to interrupt my plans to let me know that I needed to head back home.
He’s reminding me of that moment even now as I write this. Mostly, I believe, so that I can remember how amazingly perfect His timing really is and how being obedient to that is truly just a benefit to my life. How He knows what He is doing. How He has it all planned out.
I’m not saying that waiting is easy. There are months that it is really hard and I feel somewhat defeated. There are months where I just want to cry in my room. Where I feel like I’m somehow failing. But God is a lifter of our heads. And He ever so sweetly passes on to me the peace that surpasses all understanding and reminds me that His plans are perfect. They will work out in due season. And He makes EVERYTHING beautiful in its time.
If you are out there hoping and praying to say hello to your little one and it is just not time yet, please know that I am praying for you. That I understand your heart. And I truly feel the struggle from a very intimate place. But be encouraged that our God is greater, bigger, and so much more merciful than any plan of the enemy. He is working behind the scenes to share His goodness with those who desperately seek and love Him. He hears each one of your night time sobs.
Thank you all for allowing me to be more vulnerable with ya’ll and open up. Trust me when I say it is not easy but I know it will be rewarding. Especially if it helps to encourage any of you going through the same thing. All of my love sweet friends!!